Personal Update

I haven't been updating much cause I have been busy but don't worry, I *never* forget what I am doing wrong!

I started to take the Paxil a couple days ago, I think it is already helping ever so slightly but due to it usually taking 2 weeks to notice the effects of an SSRI maybe this is a placebo effect.

I am waking up slightly earlier, around 8:30-9. I have been setting my alarm clock for even earlier than that and have resumed my snooze button pushing, however it all takes place much earlier. This will have to do for now as I realized I have bigger [money] problems to solve. I may attempt to wake up earlier by 5 minutes a week or even one minute a week if this is what it takes to do baby steps!

I have not walked on the treadmill for 2 days in a row. I have decided to walk 1 mile in the morning instead of 1.5, until I can do that well enough and am waking up earlier and have more time in the morning. I can walk extra at night if I want to.

I shine my sink every day still.

I am concentrating more on my diet.

I have been thinking about switching to group classes at the gym instead of weight machines. They are too boring for me. I figure if I take up a hobby like Yoga or even tennis maybe, I might do the exercise more. Maybe I will join a basketball league or something.

Can too much sleep cause depression?

the other day I was Googling some things and came across some articles that hypothesize that getting too much sleep can actually lead to depression, rather than being a symptom of it. Or maybe it is circuitous. While there may still be a lot of controversy about whether or not this is true, here are some very interesting articles for your consideration:

Too Much Sleep Can lead to Restless Nights- this article says that people who get too little sleep and people who get too much sleep report the same types of sleep problems! Scarily, it says there have been reports about people who get too much sleep being more at risk for death! Ahhhh! As if I don't have enough to be phobic about! Well if this doesn't get me to quit it with the snooze button nothing will!

List of articles about the link between sleep and depression: interestignly enough, total sleep deprivation has been shown to reduce depression symptoms in 40-60% of treatments. Of course this is not wise nor practical, nor a long lasting solution, but very interesting nonetheless.

Circadian Rhythms and Depression: interesting because I have long suspected my own body clock is out of whack!

More info on sleep deprivation treatments for depression.

Incidentally, depression can cause carb craving.

Based on my research, I have decided to practice waking up early this weekend instead of attempting a 'rest cure'. I think I would be better off in the long run by learning to get less sleep and wake up earlier in the morning.

Also, sometime next week I plan on practicing a new goal of mine- to stop watching tv. I am going to start by giving it up one day a week, cause I am into baby steps, you know! Whats exciting and different is that I am not going to use the television for anything, even for just a light in the room while falling asleep. I will have to ::gasp!:: read a book or something!

Sleep Cures and Sabbaticals

A long time ago I read an article or blurb about something called a "sleep cure". I believe it was a phenomenon primarily in some of the Asian cultures, whereby when someone presented themselves to their doctor, the doctor would often suggest they sleep for a while as a way of curing themselves of whatever malady. Most often it was used for psychological problems such as depression. I can see the allure and promise in the sleep cure myself. Oh to sleep for a few days and finally wake up rested and rejuvenated. A symbolic starting over. It is enticing. I have even thought of taking one this very weekend coming up! I have just felt so. tired. lately and I am not sure why. I am finding it hard to reach any goals. I am feeling beaten by the filth in my house. My messy room mate will never leave. I will never stop putting these 'starting points' on my goals. Next tuesday I will start living a new life where I keep my house clean. On Sunday I will start my new healthy eating lifestyle. This weekend I will start waking up earlier.

I am tempted to take a mini-retreat this weekend. Stay in all weekend. Write in my journal. Catch up on my chores. Take baths. The idea of a sabbatical is SO enticing to me because I feel like I need to summon up all my energy and reserves for getting ready to try and enforce this habit of waking up earlier.

Today I almost got into an argument with my work supervisor about arriving later and later every day. He is right, but why isn't that still enough to get me out of bed? Perhaps my berating and criticizing myself is not enough of a punishment. Somewhere inside my head, do I think that the self-criticism lets me off the hook? Maybe it is not bad enough of a punishment, I am too used to it now.

Some really cool sleep facts.


Who knew that significantly less sleep can cure sleepiness?

Now I am starting to think the opposite - maybe this weekend I should deprive myself of sleep! Probably I should practice getting by on 7 hours, which I am pretty sure is the best amount of sleep for me given long years of introspection.

I will have to let you know what I decide to do with my weekend!

Getting up earlier

Well as you may have heard from my previous entries, I have been getting up reeeally late for the past 2 weeks or so and I have been very disappointed in myself, as the first few weeks of January I was able to get up nice and early and had very pleasant, productive mornings. Well slowly I woke up later and later, to the point I was waking up even later than I have been for the past 3 months. I don't know why but I think I figured it out- I have been trying to set my alarm for the latest time I want to get up instead of way earlier than I want to get up (remember I am a chronic snooze-button pusher). My body is just NOT used to that. I have been setting my alarm for 6, 6:30, 7, for as far back as I can remember, even in high school. So that is why now when I set the alarm for 8:30 the night before, I am sleeping for another hour or more. I am just used to doing that after my first alarm goes off.

This needs to be resolved, of course, although I am not sure how. I wish I could find an alarm clock with NO snooze button, that won't even let you reset the alarm for say, 10 minutes after it originally goes off. That way I would have to wake up for at least 10 minutes to reset my alarm. I think this would really work. I am actually gonna be trying to find this alarm clock today on Google. If it exists, it will be on the internet I am sure.

In other respects, I have been focusing way too much on my personal struggles lately so to not focus on my inner thoughts so much from now on I will be only posting article reviews for a little while.

Paxil and Medications

Well again like I have mentioned previously, things have not been going well lately. I feel a sense of slipping back to my old ways of not doing much to achieve my goals. I have not been to the gym in 2 weeks. First I was sick and then I just could not get up the motivation to go, I gave in again and again to my lazy-bones attitude and told myself I would go the next day. I am gonna try so hard to go today but I have to work late and it seems hard to go to the gym really late. Again, not doing good at one goal leaves me struggling to get another accomplished. It all seems to depend on the start I have to my day. If I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, it is all I can do to try to walk on the treadmill a little and I have really been trying to make showering a neccessity, so in the end I am really "late" to work (I set my own hours but the work must get done by the end of the day, so I wind up working late). Then I berate myself all morning. The berating and anxiety over the overwhelming problems I have are starting to take their toll. My stomach is upset a lot and I drink a lot and my shoulder muscles feel so achey.

I am going to my psychiatrist tommorrow and I think I will try a medicine for a while again. I figure what do I have to lose? I would really rather not go on medication but I think enough is enough. I have read about some problems Paxil users have from going off of it but I have taken it before and I did not have bad effects. It is really a risk I am willing to take at this time, for the promise of help getting my life in order. I will see what my psychiatrist says. Even if I get the prescription I may think about it some more before taking it. But I definetly need help with my anxiety problems and my emetophobia. Enough is enough!

Personal Lows

Well I seem to have hit a new personal low. Oddly enough you may not guess it because I took the time to blow dry my hair nice this morning and wear jeans to work instead of sweats. However I just cannot get out of bed in the mornings! I finally woke up at 10 am when I am supposed to be at work at 9 am (that is the time I decided on for myself). I just do not know what to do. I already see a counselor. I have an appointment to maybe try an anti-depressant. I am doing even worse at my goals than I was a few weeks ago and even then I wasn't doing enough.

I did manage to join FlyLadies.net but I have to still clean the sink this evening after work.

I did do half my time on the treadmill, walking .75 miles.

I showered.

I blew my hair dry.

I took my vitamins (especially the B vitamins) two days in a row.

So all is not lost, I am in just such a funk because I feel like I am always walking around confused about life. What to do with my work life feels really confusing right now, and it is affecting my other parts of my life. I don't make enough money right now, but I like my job. I don't like it enough to do forever, so I need to go back to school for some education. I can't afford it on my current salary.

What do you do when you feel confused and unsure of what the best course of action is? I need your help out there!

Since I am of no use to anyone right now, the least I could do is give you a good link to a resource on overcoming indecisiveness. Here's a good quote from this article:

"Somewhere along the line of development we discover what we really are, and then we make our real decision for which we are responsible. Make that decision primarily for yourself because you can never really live anyone else's life." -- Eleanor Roosevelt "

Become a Flylady

Well, I mentioned this in another one of my blogs but it is worth mentioning here as well. I have decided to become a Flylady again in hopes that it will help me start cleaning my house and getting my life together. I will be periodically be posting about my Flylady experiences here and in my Cleaning and Organizing Blog, since both blogs are a bit similar in nature. My Cleaning and Organizing Blog focuses on the physical aspects of cleaning and this blog focuses on the psychological. Anyway, Flylady is designed to help you get your life together one small baby step at a time. I have joined it once before and cancelled the service because I received too many emails and it was overwhelming to try and keep up with them, because I didn't listen when they said don't try to keep up! So I am gonna try it again and give it my all. Maybe they will help me start to get a good idea of what achievable baby steps actually look like.