Update on Me

Hello, sorry it has been so long since I have written last. I was not sure if I should keep updating these blogs cause they don't seem like the healthiest thing. I do not want to put too much time into something on the computer that might not help me in the long run. I already spend too much time on the internet, know what I mean?

I started taking the Paxil, and although it has only been about 8 days, I feel like it is starting to help ever so slightly. I feel enthusiastic about things. I dyed my hair over the weekend and plucked my eyebrows and it made a big difference in my appearance. I started taking Hoodia and even though its only been 12 hours I feel skinnier already! I think it has more to do with how I feel than how I look. I also did all my Flylady stuff yesterday AND all my laundry and THEN I just relaxed and watched tv and was asleep by 11:30! Can you believe it? I also woke up at 8:30. Go me AHHH!

In other news, this is whats fluttering through my mind:
- so busy at work today and time is flying by!
- my mom and I have been civil and no fights all weekend!
- I went out and bought a pair of earrings and 2 headbands!
- next week I am going to get a manicure and hair trimmed even if it is at Supercuts
- I feel like watching a foreign language channel on tv until I learn a few new words in another language.
- I spoke to this sweet woman from England today and I loved her english accent and I want to travel more when I start making money!
- I love all of our bloggers that I work with.

Am I manic or what??

Treadmill Routine Change

Well I decided to change my morning treadmill routine. I had felt really bad about it for a while, as I think I have mentioned here before. I started out strong and went about 3 weeks going 1.5 miles a morning. Then something happened, I think I started waking up a lot later, and I couldn't get it all done in time. I never seem to be able to get it done anymore. Maybe it doesn't seem as great to wake up for anymore, I don't know. So finally a couple of days ago I decided to change my routine so I only walk 1.0 miles instead of 1.5. I figured there was a reason I could not make that goal, and maybe I was reaching too high and could not sustain that much. So now at least I have been able to walk 1.0 miles for the last 3 days instead of not at all. I have some accomplishments I can achieve now. It will be a while before I increase how far I walk, and I think when I do increase the distance it will be a much shorter increment like .05 mile or something.

I also have been managing to wake up at about 9, give or take a few minutes. I usually set the alarm for 9:15 then fill with anxiety over that I won't be able to get everything done and be in to work by 10 am now that my boss has put his foot down. So what time should I strive to wake up for? I think for the next 2 weeks I will just try to wake up at 9 consistently. What stinks is for 3 weeks I will have to be at my new class by 8 am so that will help me in the short-term but not help my long-range goals, unless I handle the change correctly.

Personal Update

I haven't been updating much cause I have been busy but don't worry, I *never* forget what I am doing wrong!

I started to take the Paxil a couple days ago, I think it is already helping ever so slightly but due to it usually taking 2 weeks to notice the effects of an SSRI maybe this is a placebo effect.

I am waking up slightly earlier, around 8:30-9. I have been setting my alarm clock for even earlier than that and have resumed my snooze button pushing, however it all takes place much earlier. This will have to do for now as I realized I have bigger [money] problems to solve. I may attempt to wake up earlier by 5 minutes a week or even one minute a week if this is what it takes to do baby steps!

I have not walked on the treadmill for 2 days in a row. I have decided to walk 1 mile in the morning instead of 1.5, until I can do that well enough and am waking up earlier and have more time in the morning. I can walk extra at night if I want to.

I shine my sink every day still.

I am concentrating more on my diet.

I have been thinking about switching to group classes at the gym instead of weight machines. They are too boring for me. I figure if I take up a hobby like Yoga or even tennis maybe, I might do the exercise more. Maybe I will join a basketball league or something.

Can too much sleep cause depression?

the other day I was Googling some things and came across some articles that hypothesize that getting too much sleep can actually lead to depression, rather than being a symptom of it. Or maybe it is circuitous. While there may still be a lot of controversy about whether or not this is true, here are some very interesting articles for your consideration:

Too Much Sleep Can lead to Restless Nights- this article says that people who get too little sleep and people who get too much sleep report the same types of sleep problems! Scarily, it says there have been reports about people who get too much sleep being more at risk for death! Ahhhh! As if I don't have enough to be phobic about! Well if this doesn't get me to quit it with the snooze button nothing will!

List of articles about the link between sleep and depression: interestignly enough, total sleep deprivation has been shown to reduce depression symptoms in 40-60% of treatments. Of course this is not wise nor practical, nor a long lasting solution, but very interesting nonetheless.

Circadian Rhythms and Depression: interesting because I have long suspected my own body clock is out of whack!

More info on sleep deprivation treatments for depression.

Incidentally, depression can cause carb craving.

Based on my research, I have decided to practice waking up early this weekend instead of attempting a 'rest cure'. I think I would be better off in the long run by learning to get less sleep and wake up earlier in the morning.

Also, sometime next week I plan on practicing a new goal of mine- to stop watching tv. I am going to start by giving it up one day a week, cause I am into baby steps, you know! Whats exciting and different is that I am not going to use the television for anything, even for just a light in the room while falling asleep. I will have to ::gasp!:: read a book or something!

Sleep Cures and Sabbaticals

A long time ago I read an article or blurb about something called a "sleep cure". I believe it was a phenomenon primarily in some of the Asian cultures, whereby when someone presented themselves to their doctor, the doctor would often suggest they sleep for a while as a way of curing themselves of whatever malady. Most often it was used for psychological problems such as depression. I can see the allure and promise in the sleep cure myself. Oh to sleep for a few days and finally wake up rested and rejuvenated. A symbolic starting over. It is enticing. I have even thought of taking one this very weekend coming up! I have just felt so. tired. lately and I am not sure why. I am finding it hard to reach any goals. I am feeling beaten by the filth in my house. My messy room mate will never leave. I will never stop putting these 'starting points' on my goals. Next tuesday I will start living a new life where I keep my house clean. On Sunday I will start my new healthy eating lifestyle. This weekend I will start waking up earlier.

I am tempted to take a mini-retreat this weekend. Stay in all weekend. Write in my journal. Catch up on my chores. Take baths. The idea of a sabbatical is SO enticing to me because I feel like I need to summon up all my energy and reserves for getting ready to try and enforce this habit of waking up earlier.

Today I almost got into an argument with my work supervisor about arriving later and later every day. He is right, but why isn't that still enough to get me out of bed? Perhaps my berating and criticizing myself is not enough of a punishment. Somewhere inside my head, do I think that the self-criticism lets me off the hook? Maybe it is not bad enough of a punishment, I am too used to it now.

Some really cool sleep facts.


Who knew that significantly less sleep can cure sleepiness?

Now I am starting to think the opposite - maybe this weekend I should deprive myself of sleep! Probably I should practice getting by on 7 hours, which I am pretty sure is the best amount of sleep for me given long years of introspection.

I will have to let you know what I decide to do with my weekend!

Getting up earlier

Well as you may have heard from my previous entries, I have been getting up reeeally late for the past 2 weeks or so and I have been very disappointed in myself, as the first few weeks of January I was able to get up nice and early and had very pleasant, productive mornings. Well slowly I woke up later and later, to the point I was waking up even later than I have been for the past 3 months. I don't know why but I think I figured it out- I have been trying to set my alarm for the latest time I want to get up instead of way earlier than I want to get up (remember I am a chronic snooze-button pusher). My body is just NOT used to that. I have been setting my alarm for 6, 6:30, 7, for as far back as I can remember, even in high school. So that is why now when I set the alarm for 8:30 the night before, I am sleeping for another hour or more. I am just used to doing that after my first alarm goes off.

This needs to be resolved, of course, although I am not sure how. I wish I could find an alarm clock with NO snooze button, that won't even let you reset the alarm for say, 10 minutes after it originally goes off. That way I would have to wake up for at least 10 minutes to reset my alarm. I think this would really work. I am actually gonna be trying to find this alarm clock today on Google. If it exists, it will be on the internet I am sure.

In other respects, I have been focusing way too much on my personal struggles lately so to not focus on my inner thoughts so much from now on I will be only posting article reviews for a little while.

Paxil and Medications

Well again like I have mentioned previously, things have not been going well lately. I feel a sense of slipping back to my old ways of not doing much to achieve my goals. I have not been to the gym in 2 weeks. First I was sick and then I just could not get up the motivation to go, I gave in again and again to my lazy-bones attitude and told myself I would go the next day. I am gonna try so hard to go today but I have to work late and it seems hard to go to the gym really late. Again, not doing good at one goal leaves me struggling to get another accomplished. It all seems to depend on the start I have to my day. If I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, it is all I can do to try to walk on the treadmill a little and I have really been trying to make showering a neccessity, so in the end I am really "late" to work (I set my own hours but the work must get done by the end of the day, so I wind up working late). Then I berate myself all morning. The berating and anxiety over the overwhelming problems I have are starting to take their toll. My stomach is upset a lot and I drink a lot and my shoulder muscles feel so achey.

I am going to my psychiatrist tommorrow and I think I will try a medicine for a while again. I figure what do I have to lose? I would really rather not go on medication but I think enough is enough. I have read about some problems Paxil users have from going off of it but I have taken it before and I did not have bad effects. It is really a risk I am willing to take at this time, for the promise of help getting my life in order. I will see what my psychiatrist says. Even if I get the prescription I may think about it some more before taking it. But I definetly need help with my anxiety problems and my emetophobia. Enough is enough!